ailurophile (eye-LOOR--uh-fyle, ay-LOOR-) noun: One who loves cats.
[Greek ailouros, cat + -phile (love)]
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. "Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch "Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. " - Mark Twain Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes. Cats are clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
| Cat Haiku | ||
|---|---|---|
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Negotiating No-man's land: carpet alive, Flea season again |
I need a new toy. Tail of black dog keeps good time. pounce! good dog! good dog! |
The rule for today Touch my tail, I shred your hand New rule tomorrow |
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In deep sleep hear sound cat vomit hairball somewhere will find in morning |
Cat, fearless hunter leaves 'presents' for me near door next time I'll wear shoes |
Grace personified, I leap into the window. I meant to do that. |
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Night. Now come night-mice. I chase them 'round on loud feet. You can't see them too? |
Blur of motion, then -- silence, me, a paper bag. What is so funny? |
You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. That will sure show you. |
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The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds -- Your foot just squashed one |
You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, elevator butt. |
You're always typing. Well, let's see you ignore my sitting on your hands. |
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My small cardboard box. You cannot see me if I can just hide my head. |
Terrible battle. I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a 'term paper'? |
Kitty likes plastic Confuses for litter box Don't leave tarp around |
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Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitoes Fear vacuum cleaner |
Want to trim my claws? Don't even think about it! My yelps will wake dead. |
I want to be close To you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? |
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Wanna go outside. Oh, shit! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! |
Oh no! Big One has been trapped by newspaper! Cat to the rescue! |
Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp ... |
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Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much!" |
Litter box not here You must have moved it again I'll crap in the sink. |
The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey" |
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We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt? | ||
"Hectically scheduled person", translated into Southern:
"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor"
| From a cat's diary |
|---|
| DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. |
| DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. |
| DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. |
| DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...... |
| DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. |
| DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. |
